Rewriting the fear story.

Today I gladly, gently, patiently and kindly rewrite each sentence of fearful thought that forms in my mind. I see my fearful thoughts for what they are and release them into the wind that continuously blows and carries things on the currents of life.

I'm getting close to my fear thoughts and seeing how much of my monkey mind (a phrase borrowed from my 6 year old niece!) they dominate when I get future addicted. I have declared a commitment to practising the exchange of fear thoughts with love thoughts to see what happens. And my wish is that I consciously choose, as fear is being presented to me, another way that feels life affirming, real, free and alive.

What I notice about fearful thinking: I feel pain in my chest, I want to blame, I start to catastrophise, I start to think that what I think is 'true', I feel righteous, I feel defensive, I feel aggressive (hard for me to admit that one as it's pretty shameful for me to say), I feel powerless, helpless and very small. 

What I notice about loving thinking (by this I mean that the thoughts I have are filled with faith, trust, hope, possibility and acceptance): I feel hopeful, I feel grateful, I feel planted, my body is gentler, my gaze is softer, I experience an openness that's willing to enquire, I see that I don't actually know much at all about life, and I'm filled with a mystery rather than a dread.

Here's an example of my re-write today:

Fearful thinking: I won't earn a good living doing what I love so I'll have to do something I don't really like to make money.

Loving thinking: As I humbly put one foot in front of the other, following my heart, the way opens up for me and I am guided and held, as I let my light shine. I'm rewarded handsomely for my contributions.

See if you can do a fear to love rewrite to share with us in the comments. Go on -I'd so love to see yours now I've told you mine!

Perfectionism Hurts.

Today I have felt the pain of perfectionism and seen the light of another way.  I have been making my sister a birthday present and there's a part of it that's not perfect, not exactly as it should be.  And the more I made myself change it, correct it, find a way of making it perfect, the more frustration I felt, the more stupid I felt. This then turned to inadequacy.  And I had a cry. 

And then I remembered what I had done.  What a beautiful gift I had made her, and how the imperfection is a rich and beautiful part of the creation.  I then saw the imperfection in me, my body, my home, my life, my circumstances and got a little closer to it, a little more observant of it and I felt the warmth of acceptance coming over me, where there was a possibility for me to feel the meaning in things rather than the assessment of things. 

Assessment seems always to lead down the same path, to inadequacy, fearful thinking and in my case tears and pain.  And I've had enough of it.  And I'm grateful that I have this landing pad for my ideas so I can read them again and again when I'm trying to perfect something.  And come to my gentleness again, with myself, others and the world around me.

Let today melt me.

Today I went into Richmond Park and here in London it's a frosty day so all the grass was covered in white and puddles were frozen over.  There was a particularly big puddle near to the stream where I ran which was entirely frozen over, and the sun was rising higher and higher which meant that the top layer of ice was becoming watery and you could see it would start to crack open in an hour or so.

While running, I had been thinking about the shadow from my last blog and how there needs to be such a big willingness for me to admit some of the things that reside in the shadow of me.

And this is when I was hit by the melting metaphor.  Today the puddle pond showed me that that in so many ways my world is trying to melt away my defenses,  my attachments, my strongly held opinions so that I may be open to admit the truth, open to sharing things that feel shameful or embarassing.  I can feel the melting happening and as I was surrounded by all the Sunday morning runners, cyclists, walkers in the park, I remembered just how fixed so many of us are.  And how it takes a lot to melt us into vulnerability.

My intention for the day today is for it to melt me, soften me so that I am vulnerable, soft and receptive to the light and the darkness and that I favour them both equally as rich and important parts of this experience we call being alive.

The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.

The brighter the light the darker the shadow. 

One big theme in my life right now is what I'm calling The Shadow.  By The Shadow, I mean all the things in life that are difficult for me to deal with, reconcile or be happy about.  I had a call this morning with some wonderful people I am mentoring, and my check in for the call was all about this topic and how I've been looking at it, feeling it. 

Because I'm looking at things from the perspective of light and shadow, I'm getting to see how many things in life seem to me to be an expression of what I have labelled as bad, dark, unkind, evil, the parts of humanity that are violent, oppressive, and have a negative impact on other human beings.  

I have watched a few films lately that all find their themes from humanity and history where they have created stories to show the parts of us all that harm others, that treat other beings without respect.  

And I find all this painful.  I have a bodily reaction to things like slavery, violence, rape, injustice, war.  I find myself deeply affected by these things, sensitive to every blow, every tear, every heartbreak.

In my unfolding and discovery of my own humanity, a theme at this time (and probably for ever more) is a wish to integrate this shadow, to not push it away in polarisation with the 'good', the 'kind' and the 'happy'.  

I have been trying to bring these 'darker' things into my awareness so that I can examine the charge I have around them and see if I can bring them closer to me without judgement rather than putting them in a compartment of 'unacceptable' or 'inhuman' - things that, in my opinion, need to be eradicated from the world. 

And this is not an easy job.  I have what feel like pretty fixed views on many things.  But I'm noticing that the stronger an opinion I have of something as 'bad', the greater my fear is of it. And that makes me curious. 

I have heard so many times that what we fear or resist is what appears in our lives, and although I cannot categorically say this is a truth I know, I am willing to see whether it's true through my own experience of life. 

So, I'm adding things up, putting the pieces together and I'm making the connection between the shadow, my fears and where I put my attention in my mind.      

The saying, "the brighter the light, the darker the shadow" showed up in something I was reading earlier and it took my enquiry a bit further.   What if the darkness that I can embrace and accept is proportionate to the light that I can also accept and embrace? What if my rejection of the darkness is also how I reject the light ?

Weirdly this doesn't feel like a very cognitive thing to write about - when I start thinking about it logically, I can't really find any explanation, but I can feel the truth of this enquiry and know it will continue to unfold in me. 

The picture here shows the random horoscope that I read (I haven't read one for yonks) which showed me the phrase.  Strangely enough I felt the validation of my process coming out of OK magazine in the Minor Injuries unit of the hospital where I was all afternoon passing the time because my boyfriend had found a bone popping out of his foot! (he's fine by the way for anyone here who knows him)

Do any of you have any experience or wisdom on the shadow you'd be willing to share to contribute to this contemplation ?  And do you have any serendipitous stories to share about when your unfolding has been validated to you by the universe ?

Philosophy for Beginners

So, I consider myself a total beginner in the world and language of Philosophy.  Each time I try to read Heidegger, my brain gets scrambled and I read 2 pages and then realise I have taken nothing in, so I have to go back again, and then mostly the same thing happens repeatedly until I get so frustrated that I go and make myself a cup of tea and get distracted on the way back to the place where I was reading.  So my Heidegger book mainly stays open on the first two pages. 

This year, I am signing up to a class with someone who is willing to walk us through how to read philosophy, how to do yoga for the mind, so that this habit might be lightened, and I might gain some of the gifts that philosophical thought might have for me.

So today I read our starter essay for this group and it was about Cartesianism - simplified into a 20 page essay that was at about my current level of complexity, meaning that I could understand what it was saying.  Which is a revelation! 

The essay ran through the basic elements of Decartes' thinking and documented the basis of his writing and thought, and then showed the limitations of this kind of thinking. 

What was wonderful about reading this article is that when I read it, in this simplified form, I could see that philosophy, is not actually abstract at all - the people who write it are pretty challenging in the choice of language they use to explain their thinking, but actually, if you get beyond this, it's simply that - something like a foreign language, that I will hopefully become better at understanding (a bit like when I learned french) in time and with application.  I will also have to exercise the muscle in me that allows me to stay with the discomfort of not understanding for a longer time than I am used to, so that I can allow the learning space to open up in me. 

Today, for the first time, I get a little of the impact that Descartes' thinking is having on us today.  And I am shocked.  Given the prolific nature of the scientific way of relating to life that is attributed to this thinking, and how this has filtered down into our education system so hugely and intricately, I feel so much clearer on many things:

• I get why so many creative and intuitive people feel uncomfortable and even unwelcome at school.
• I can see why so many of us feel so worn down by the corporate world. 
• I can feel the underpinning narrative that means we rarely feel successful even when we 'have it all'.
• I can see why people are treating other people badly. 
• I can see why there's such a great need for relationships, complexity and systems thinking training in companies. 
• I can see why we are fearful for how our children are performing at school. 
• I can see why our relationships 'fail' so often.

Thinking in this scientific way - one that is based on certain statements that are 'widely believed to be true' and using the premise that what is not within my sphere of judgement or perception is simply not true, leads us to miss out so much of life. 

While this approach certainly has its place, and it's gotten us so very far in medicine, education and business (amongst many other things too), if we only look at life through this scientific, 'only proof tells me something's real' way of seeing, being and acting, then what impact does this have on our life, the world, others ?

Watch this space for more detail on what Descartes really said - maybe I'll do Philosophy for beginners to help me learn, and then we can all be philosophers together ?

New Year (why does it feel old?)

Today I am feeling an impending doom about the future.  I am finding it nearly impossible to energetically see through the fog of my worry, my anxiety, my concern for what's next, how to bridge the gap of here to there (and I don't even know what 'there' is).  There are so many people talking about new starts, new commitments, new years resolutions.  Some are even talking about just being present, not setting any goals, because we always fail at them anyway.  And I think we all know how hard it is to change a habit, create a new one or stop something that we know is not good for us.

Yesterday I held a beautiful, perfectly formed little baby for about two hours while she slept.  I held the purity of her being in my arms and sat with her open, simple being for the most snuggly of times.  And there's a split in me - the one that wants this world to be good for her.  The part that experiences a world for her that opens its arms to whoever she is, accepts her and allows her to find her place, to thrive and contribute in a way that her heart calls to her. And then there's the dread part, the part I'm feeling now of the messed up-ness of this place we call our home.  And the fact that if many of us don't get our act together pretty soon, the world will not be such a nice place to live - our air may not be breathable, the vegetables we eat may be contaminated, the oceans may be dead.  I'm not someone who is active in environmentalism, I don't know loads of facts and figures about the world (but am really very interested in them when I read them and hear them, and they have a huge impact on me).  But I know there's a problem.  I know things are happening that need our insight, our wisdom and our hearts fully engaged when making decisions and taking action. 

And it takes so much to act, to extend ourselves beyond our own fearful, safety oriented agenda.  And I can feel my own right now - wanting to look after myself, wanting to know where I'm going to live, how I'm going to earn money enough to have a place to live even.  And I know this is all important so that I have a platform from which to go into the world boldly with a safe patch to return to where I can do my inner work, be in my family, and then come back to the 'outer world' where there are changes to be made, things to do, ways to be and things to act on. 

Right now my thoughts are centering around things like, "I know there are some feelings that want to be felt here - just be present to the unfolding", "I hate this feeling of dread, uncertainty, worry, powerlessness", "what can I do to get rid of this feeling".  And when I get just a little bit wiser from my breath, I can see that I'm missing the sacred balm of all the human and earthly condition.  I'm forgetting myself, forgetting presence.

I haven't found that presence is the ultimate eraser of my negative experience, but what it does for me is that it enables me to really be in my experience, rather than resist it, prolong it, defend against it.  Presence is the doorway to my unfolding.  Presence is the shard of light coming through the door to the darkened room.  It allows me to remember my breath, to feel my feet, to recall a hint of the unstoppable goodness that's also here in any moment of darkness. 

After writing these last paragraphs, I see that I am, again, writing for my life (sounds a bit dramatic but it really is in service of my life that I write these things), and that writing these things down has power, meaning and mysteriously acts to hold my hand through the happenings of my inner and outer life. 

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

At the heart of the Sacred Rebellion enquiry is the question of how we let our lights shine, how we bring our gifts to the world, how we respond to the call in our hearts to contribute what we love to the world.  How we start to do this, how we continue to do this and how we roll with what the path presents to us when we walk it.

I'm so interested in what it takes for us to truly step in to this vulnerable and alive space where we put ourselves on the line and speak our hearts desire so we might start to create a life we once only dreamed of.

This week I have been thinking about what it's taken for me to start writing, to start saying what it is that I feel called to share with others.  And one of the biggest factors involved in my starting and coming back to it again and again is that I have had a very small, passionate, flickering and alive flame which could have easily (and could still very easily) been blown out.  And I have put this flame in the hands of people who I know will encourage me, nurture my vulnerability and keep me coming back to the vulnerable place even when I want to return to safety and smallness.

I want to say this to you - that when there's something you dream of, the thing that's in the corner of your mind that you'd love to do, an idea that you feel is unrealistic or impossible - please share it with someone you trust.  So they can hold you,  encourage you and to support you in its birth.  Some ideas may never come to fruition - but that's not the point.  We need to keep the sparks coming, creating a culture of welcome for whatever inspiration and creativity wants to come.

And this culture is not created by us alone, it's created by a community of support for the things we hold sacred - and that community is people, kind audiences that are not critical or exacting, but warm and gently welcoming of our contribution.  In the future we may (probably!) face the critics, but at the start of things, the flame needs caring for so as not to be blown out.  It needs to be held in loving and gentle hands for it to gain strength.  Mother lions do not put their cubs into battle as soon as they are born, they are protected, nurtured, fed and cared for until they are strong enough to fend for themselves.  And so it is with our baby ideas, they naturally need the same treatment.

Even if that presence you share an idea with is me - you could message me on this page privately just so you have spoken it once into the world to start with.   That witness could be your pet ? It could be a tree ? The only criteria is that it's a loving presence that you trust will hold your flame gently and lightly with the eyes and ears of encouragement and warmth.