The Man Watching

What if it was true that all our efforting, all our trying was in service of something that's coming for us anyway. How would we feel ?

A wonderful person coached me on the theme of surrender a little while ago and had me read this poem many times, and it has me in it's grips, my curiosity will not let it go. It can feel so wrong to surrender, but the personality isn't into true freedom so no wonder it steers away from it.

The Man Watching By Rainer Maria Rilke

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after
so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can't bear without a friend,
I can't love without a sister.

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time, and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape, like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights with us is so great.

If only we would let ourselves be dominated as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it's with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small.
What is extraordinary and eternal does not want to be bent by us.
I mean the Angel who appeared to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:
when the wrestlers' sinews
grew long like metal strings,
he felt them under his fingers
like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded him as if to change his shape.
Winning does not tempt that man.
This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively, by constantly greater beings.

You did not come here to be normal!

So much of the time we are comparing ourselves, trying to 'fit in', be 'normal' like everyone else. And it causes us all manner of pain and problem because it's impossible to live up to what we 'think' others are in terms of relationships, success, money, job, stuff. Because what we think of them isn't true, it's just what we think of them. 

I love this quote from Robert Holden - reminding us that our naturally unique selves, the circumstances and relationships that are only ours are what our lives are about. There's nothing to fit in to anyway. Not really.

A jug fills....

I have been watching the part of my mind that wants things to be done already, that wants life to be completed somehow. I think it's the 'arrived' feeling that I deeply want to experience that I project out into the world, thinking the world is going to do it for me.

This Buddha quote is so simple, and yet there's so much truth in the fact that we only really get anywhere by taking one small step after the other in the direction that our heart tells us is the way to go. 

Sometimes the small steps don't feel like they're big enough, good enough or significant enough, but the more and more I look around, the most successful people, the most fulfilled people have taken millions of tiny steps and a few big ones. But most of them are small ones that end up being strung together to make a life, to fulfill a dream.

Here's to our small steps and the path we carve by putting one foot in front of the other in the direction of our dreams.

This is my definition of spirituality today

Making a conscious effort each and every day, and in as many moments of my life as possible to remember that there is a huge possibility that what I see is not what’s ultimately true. It’s a remembrance that this life is not fixed, there’s nothing that warrants being taken for granted as known.

We have learned definitions for things in life but that’s not to say these definitions are accurate or that we should stop our enquiry at our current understanding. It’s an opening up to a way of being that allows things to be what they might be, not what we think they are. 

Every human, every thing I can conceive of is not what I think he/she/it is. What if I could open up to what things and people are pointing to instead of believing that they are fixed and unchanging ?

How do you give what you haven't got ?

A huge part of 'growing up' is releasing the expectation that the world should provide, the world should meet me, 'see' me. In growing up, we come to realise that we are the 'world', and it's our job to joyfully provide - it's not up to anyone but us. The world and me are not separate from one another.

In my experience this is a solid orientation that has always taken me out of the victim state when I've really felt it and applied it to my life. It's reoriented me so I no longer see the world as 'happening to me'. It's one way that I have learned to take my life in my hands, one way that I know leads me to reflections that usher me towards being powerful in the way that I wish to be. 

And the other day, I realised that I didn't have the thing I wanted to give. I knew it wasn't up to anyone but me. But I was stumped. How am I supposed to give someone something that I perceive was never given to me? How do I bring something when I have no idea what it even looks like, feels like?

And I saw that this is another way my super sneaky ego is trying to keep me the same. My personality (who I think I am) can't imagine bringing something I don't feel capable of. A small voice can still be heard though, and it says "who I really am might be able to bring it if I just gave it a chance". I saw that in the moment of lack, I could bring my consciousness to the feeling that I don't have it to give, and I could take one small step to bringing it.

Rewriting the fear story.

Today I gladly, gently, patiently and kindly rewrite each sentence of fearful thought that forms in my mind. I see my fearful thoughts for what they are and release them into the wind that continuously blows and carries things on the currents of life.

I'm getting close to my fear thoughts and seeing how much of my monkey mind (a phrase borrowed from my 6 year old niece!) they dominate when I get future addicted. I have declared a commitment to practising the exchange of fear thoughts with love thoughts to see what happens. And my wish is that I consciously choose, as fear is being presented to me, another way that feels life affirming, real, free and alive.

What I notice about fearful thinking: I feel pain in my chest, I want to blame, I start to catastrophise, I start to think that what I think is 'true', I feel righteous, I feel defensive, I feel aggressive (hard for me to admit that one as it's pretty shameful for me to say), I feel powerless, helpless and very small. 

What I notice about loving thinking (by this I mean that the thoughts I have are filled with faith, trust, hope, possibility and acceptance): I feel hopeful, I feel grateful, I feel planted, my body is gentler, my gaze is softer, I experience an openness that's willing to enquire, I see that I don't actually know much at all about life, and I'm filled with a mystery rather than a dread.

Here's an example of my re-write today:

Fearful thinking: I won't earn a good living doing what I love so I'll have to do something I don't really like to make money.

Loving thinking: As I humbly put one foot in front of the other, following my heart, the way opens up for me and I am guided and held, as I let my light shine. I'm rewarded handsomely for my contributions.

See if you can do a fear to love rewrite to share with us in the comments. Go on -I'd so love to see yours now I've told you mine!

Perfectionism Hurts.

Today I have felt the pain of perfectionism and seen the light of another way.  I have been making my sister a birthday present and there's a part of it that's not perfect, not exactly as it should be.  And the more I made myself change it, correct it, find a way of making it perfect, the more frustration I felt, the more stupid I felt. This then turned to inadequacy.  And I had a cry. 

And then I remembered what I had done.  What a beautiful gift I had made her, and how the imperfection is a rich and beautiful part of the creation.  I then saw the imperfection in me, my body, my home, my life, my circumstances and got a little closer to it, a little more observant of it and I felt the warmth of acceptance coming over me, where there was a possibility for me to feel the meaning in things rather than the assessment of things. 

Assessment seems always to lead down the same path, to inadequacy, fearful thinking and in my case tears and pain.  And I've had enough of it.  And I'm grateful that I have this landing pad for my ideas so I can read them again and again when I'm trying to perfect something.  And come to my gentleness again, with myself, others and the world around me.