The Wings of Wisdom and Compassion

This is a lifelong learning curve topic.  It's about cultivating a way of being that makes more and more space for compassion for self and others, and equally allows for insight and wisdom to impact us and those around us.

I have learned from people who sometimes describe these two things as our 'wings' - one wing is compassion, the other is wisdom.  If one wing flaps too hard and does too much of the work, we end up flying in circles. If, on the other hand, the wings are working together and in equal measure, we fly and end up where we want to be.

For many of us we find that one wing is stronger than the other.  Some of us have the capacity to be with all that comes up for another, to feel deeply into the realities of those around us - it's a talent of ours to step into someone's shoes and experience their life, to see life from their perspective.  What a necessary gift this is - empathy, connection, being able to imagine what it's like to be someone else and really feel it.  With this establishment of common ground, so much becomes possible, people feel seen, heard and validated.

Some of us find it so natural to see what a problem is, to understand an issue or a person.  We have a sharp insight that leads us to a deep cognition of what's happening, what is likely to happen and what can be done to fix it. And this is partly a description of the wisdom wing. 

As friends, parents, coaches, partners, wives, husbands, colleagues, aunties, uncles we often ask ourselves - how do I help ? how do I point out something to someone so that they can hear it ? how can I say what's obvious to me without evoking defensiveness or resentment ? how do I actually change something ?

In looking at the wings of wisdom and compassion and how they balance and function together, it seems that the first thing to do is identify which of these wings is stronger for us.  Here are some questions to answer to identify which of your wings is stronger and which is weaker and some suggestions for strengthening the weak one to create more balance.

Do you find it hard to point things out to people for fear of them not liking you ?
Do you find it easy to connect with others and talk about their problems or issues, and feel helpless as to how suggest they might step into something other than the issues that keep arising ?
Do you have thoughts about how things could be better but find it hard to communicate them because you are afraid of what might come up if you pointed it out ?

If you answered yes to the above - then your compassion wing is stronger. 

Do you find it easy to see issues and have useful suggestions of how to correct things so difficulty doesn't continue to occur ?
Do you find that people often react defensively to your insights ?
Do you find it difficult to understand why others can't take what you say as it's intended ?

If you answered yes to the above - then your wisdom wing is stronger.

If you have a stronger compassion wing, then the wisdom wing needs development and here are a few pointers on how you might consider developing this part of you:

1. See if you can notice what fears you have about speaking up, about telling your truth.  How might people react and what would this feel like for you ?
2. Find a trusted friend, and ask permission to speak with them about what you feel is important for them to hear.  And explain the experiment so they can give you feedback on how you delivered what you had to say.  Ask what it was like to hear insightful and straight forward wisdom from you. (this is a stretch I know!)
3. Keep an eye on when you use connection to smooth over awkwardness (excessive small talk or 'politeness') and experiment with remaining silent rather than filling in the gaps. And watch what it takes for you to stay quiet.
4. Think of someone you know who delivers their wisdom kindly and compassionately and ask how they do it and what enables them / stops them.

If you have a stronger wisdom wing, then the compassion wing needs your attention and here are a few suggestions as to how you cultivate it:

1. Next time you are in a conversation with an individual, see if you can tune in to how they must be FEELING - it's a different kind of listening.  You will be listening for their inner world, not the things they are saying, but the feeling behind what they are saying.  See what happens when you do this. 
2. Find an opportunity to partake in a conversation where you'd usually say what you think, what can be done, how things could be changed.  And then keep quiet.  Watch what happens when you don't say anything - see how it plays out.  It's possible that it's enough to allow something to unfold rather than try and change it. 
3. Often when we find it hard to put ourselves in others' shoes, it's harder to relate to them, to understand how it feels to be in their situation.  And this can be because we are not in touch with how we are really feeling about life.  The suggestion is to find a diary and write down how you are feeling each day - find the vocabulary (you can print a list of feelings here if you find it hard to articulate what you are feeling).  And see how this affects your experience of yourself and others.
4. Next time you want to offer your wisdom, try and address what it must be like to be the other person before you do it.  And tell them what you see about them and what you imagine it's like to be them before you say what you have to say.  And see what happens.

In developing these wings of compassion I have learned that one without the other leaves us ineffective, less powerful and 'safe'.  Relying on the wing we have used for so long keeps us from taking risks.  These risks are the ones that grow us and challenge us, and bring a new sense of possibility and power into our lives.