Do you prefer that you be right or happy ?

This blog is about relationships.  By relationships I mean friendships, romances, marriages, colleagues, parent-child relationships and your relationship to yourself too.  It's a new game I have come up with. One that has brought huge freedom, smiles, relief and relaxation.

Relationships are challenging.  They push our buttons, they bring out of us things that we sometimes didn't even know existed, and sometimes we are horrified at ourselves when we witness the words that come out of our mouths or the actions we take when our buttons are pushed.  Some say that relationships are the real work of our lives.  That in relationship, enlightenment lies.

A game I have invented recently is the quote on this image: 

I have been learning to say this out loud when I get into a conflict or difficult situation of any kind, but particularly in relationship.

It seems to me that in relationships we have a strong tendency to think we are right, justified and correct in our thinking, our approach or our opinion about something.  And maybe we are, in our perception, in our interpretation of what's in front of us, we are totally right.  And we feel it. And we know it.  And something in us will not budge.

And, this doesn't make for peaceful times if two related parties are up to the same thing.  This repetitive theme breeds distance, polarisation, contempt and conflict.  Which is often in direct opposition to what you actually feel about the relationship.

Truth be told is that we love each other, we want to be in each others' company, we enjoy one another and there is a deep desire to feel peaceful, happy, joyful, satisfied, inspired, content....and the list goes on.

There is a line in A Course in Miracles which has deeply stuck in me, in fact it's a question: 'Do you prefer that you be right or happy?' (Chapter 29, V11.1:9).  And this has always made me very curious.  What is this relationship between right-ness and happiness.  Why is it that in relationships, they often don't go together ?

I have found that saying the line: "All my opinions are wrong. Everything I think is incorrect." Has been a huge gift to me.  It was so hard to say at first, my interpretation of the line from A Course In Miracles that I mentioned above. It was so hard for the person opposite to say it too.

I tried this out first in my relationship with my boyfriend, and now, when we say this to each other, in the middle of a conflict, something other than what's always happened occurs.  Mid argument, mid disagreement, we get to laugh and feel the blessed relief of remembering our connection, remembering ourselves and something way more real than the argument or the disagreement.

One of my favourite cards that I bought for my boyfriend is of a woman and a man sitting next to one another on a sofa.  The woman has her hands clasped eagerly in her lap, leaning forward and the speech bubble coming out of her smiling mouth says "Say it again, Matthew!", and the guy sitting opposite her is sitting back on the sofa, looking a little resigned and his speech bubble says "I'm wrong, Lizzie, I'm always wrong".  And this was also my inspiration for inventing this simple intervention.



Not everyone in relationship with you is going to be willing to play this game - sometimes you wont be willing either.  In a relationship, it only takes one of us to do something like this for the whole situation to shift.  It takes two people thinking they are 'right' to make an argument.  It takes one person to take a moment and consider whether they would prefer to be happy or to be right.  

I want anyone who reads this to understand - I am not a pushover, I am a feisty, strong willed person with standards, values and morals.  I see and appreciate the wonder of this and also the shadow side of having such strong views on how people are, what's going on in the world and what happens in life.

What I stand for is important to me - it matters.  And this is a great source of wisdom, direction, honesty and truth - I believe all of us need to take a stand for what matters to us so this world can become a healthier place - but we all need to learn to dance.  There is taking a stand and there is also oneness.  There are opinions and there is also is-ness - what's happening right now.  And learning to dance between these is the key.

When we argue with what is, we are in pain.  And when our rightness is opposed to someone else's rightness, we all suffer.  And when we are suffering, we are way less likely to make any change, have an effect on someone else, be powerful or purposeful.  When we are suffering we are not living our true calling, we are leaking our power and expending our energy on things that do not serve us. 

This line from A Course In Miracles: 'Would you prefer that you be right or happy?' is an example of how just one line from this amazing text could keep you enquiring for the rest of your life - and there's over 1,000 pages of lines like this.

So, I dare you to try it.  Just once.  No matter how hard it feels. No matter how right you believe you are.  And see what happens to the mood in the room.  See what happens to you.  See how your thinking changes and whether you see things even slightly differently.

PS. This is a really important subject for me in terms of Sacred Rebellion.  Because it's the people who are less prone to fight that truly make a difference in the world.  It's the people who are consciously rebelling, and who maintain healthy relationships and support networks who are able to make the most difference.  It's those of us who are doing our inner work and cultivating peace who are more able to overcome and face the obstacles to our dreams becoming manifest.